What’s happening to me?

I’m not big on public journaling. Hell, I’m not big on journaling at all much less in a way to make you feel good. No choice though, as the local nut on the scene it’s my job to come up with stuff to talk about. Here we go.

You are strongest when you know your weaknesses. If you don’t know, you’re vulnerable. If others find out before you do, they can use your shortcomings against you. Think about this for a second. How many times have you lost your cool and chalked it up to having a strong opinion about something? Why did you get so angry in the first place? Something happened to you, me, all of us while we were doing our duty for the rest of these folks we call fellow Americans, and it’s twisted us in ways we don’t immediately recognize. A lot of us are missing our wives and kids. We’ve alienated them by the way we act or talk, something. I can tell you whatever it is, I don’t know what did it but I can’t change the results. They are gone. I’m obviously using we because it ain’t just me. This seems to happen to a bunch of us towards the end of our run and it feels like an ambush. As if someone found out my weaknesses before I did.

What could I have done differently had I known my shortcomings? How could I have prevented the family from leaving with little hope of reconciliation? Too many questions but the thing has already happened.

I remember we used to plan. We had plans within plans. PACE plans to cover our planning. We would study the commander’s intent, build out our RFIs, create an op order and brief. We’d conduct the necessary training to put us ahead of potential problems and then execute the mission. We would prepare to the very best of our abilities to ensure mission success as much for the unit as for our own personal satisfaction. We made sure we were solid. That’s how we could take all comers. We were that good. And now somehow, we defeat ourselves.

I am doing something to not succeed out here, I’m crushing myself and destroying my way ahead instead of excelling in a meaningful way despite any work wins. I don’t truly know my weaknesses and so I am not strong. I don’t want to be like this. I’m naked in a way I can’t defend. I mean even if I was buck naked, I could find clothes in a dumpster and get back on track. (That happened before. I got home and my wife tried to make me throw away the clothes. Those were souvenirs!) I worked my adult life to be the best I could be, and this is how it ended? I need to fix this.

Truth is a great thing. Honesty with myself first and admitting I have a problem. Somewhere, or somehow. The first thing is admitting there is something not right about me and the only way forward is to find it and solve it. I can’t do this alone. None of us can. We either find professional help or lean on each other in a deeper way to dig out the emotions holding us at bay. What can’t happen is do nothing.